Sparkly Fang
by CrazyNerdyFangirl
Summary: Fang turns sparkly, like a vampire. But he's not a vampire. Edward Cullen comes to show him the ways of the sparkly male. Will Fang turn into a creeper like Edward? ONE-SHOT. R & R?


**AN: Hey, here's another random one-shot from me. And when I say random, I mean RANDOM. Even more random than most of my other one-shots. If that's possible. Some of you know that I've been complaining about Catherine Hardwicke directing the Maximum Ride movie for fear that she will make Fang sparkly like Edward. So I decided to write a one-shot where Fang actually sparkles. Enjoy! I realize that Fang and Edward are kind of OOC in this fic. It's kind of the point. Pretend that FANG doesn't exist while reading this one-shot.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Maximum Ride or Twilight.**

Have you ever had a day when you really want to kill yourself? I know what you're thinking: Oh, Fang is emo! He's suicidal! He needs therapy!

Well, maybe you'd be right about the therapy, but I can explain the other things.

This afternoon, I woke up to find the biggest shock of my life. Wait. One of the biggest shocks. The other one would be when I woke up to find myself stark naked. One of Iggy's pranks. Don't ask.

When I had woken up, I walked over to my window and opened the curtains, letting the bright afternoon sunshine come into the room. See? I'm not always dark and scary. I yawned. This was too early for me. It was only noon! I sleepily looked at myself in the mirror on my bedside table, expecting to see my disheveled appearance staring back at me. Instead, I saw something horrible…so horrible. Sparkles.

All over my body.

I freaking sparkled in the sun!

I almost let out a girly, high-pitched scream, but since I'm the Silent Fang, I restrained myself. Instead, I let out an almost inaudible, high-pitched squeak.

How the hell was I supposed to go out in public looking like…looking like…the emo version of a Twilight vampire? Wait a minute. Had I turned into a vampire overnight? I stood still for a minute. I felt no uncontrollable urge to drink blood or a sudden craving to be creepier than Edward (is that possible?), so I decided I wasn't a vampire.

Max would probably break up with me for fear that I was gay. I looked like I was wearing body glitter. And the sparkles looked suspiciously like sweat. Who would want a sweaty boyfriend? I stood directly in the sun's rays, looking at my sparkles. Were these supposed to be attractive to girls? All they made me do was gag and call myself a gayass.

"Great. Now what am I supposed to do?" I said to myself exasperatedly. I sat down on my bed, glaring at my sparkles, wishing that they would all just disappear into thin air.

Suddenly, I heard a popping sound behind me. Being a paranoid bird-kid, I immediately sprang up from my bed, quickly assuming a fighting stance. I turned around to see what had caused the popping noise…

And jumped about a foot in the air. Facing me was the sparkliest man I had ever seen. Granted, he was only the 2nd one I have ever seen (including myself). But he had more sparkles than Iggy had after Nudge purposely spilled her whole supply of body glitter on him. And she had probably bought the whole mall's supply of body glitter.

He was what girls would call "handsome". (The man police is so coming to get my man license) He was pale and had bronze colored hair. He had a face that girls would call "chiseled" and "every sculptor's dream". I recognized him immediately.

"Holy shit! You're Edward Cullen!" I yelled in surprise. Crap, Edward looked even gayer in person than I thought he was. I know who he was because of Nudge's constant ramblings about Twilight. It was always "I love Edward!" and "ZOMG! Why can't there be more guys like Edward?" She never stopped to consider the very likely possibility that he wasn't straight.

"What the hell are you doing here? Aren't you fictional?" Maybe I was crazy and was just imagining him. Yeah, that had to be it. Because there was no way Edward Cullen could be in my room right now.

"I'm Edward Cullen," he said, enunciating the words carefully like I was stupid. Okay, maybe he was an Edward Cullen–_wannabe_. "And if you want to see someone fictional, go look in a mirror." Well, I couldn't come up with a witty reply to _that. _

"What are you doing here?" I asked him warily. Edward Cullen wannabe or not, I still wanted to know how he had suddenly appeared in my room.

"I'm here to show you the ways of the sparkly male," he said with what he probably thought was a reassuring smile—it scared the crap out of me.

"But I'm not a vampire! Why am I even sparkly?" I asked indignantly.

Cullen sighed. "The sparkly gene has Chosen to make you one of the members of the league of the sparkly men. It's an honor," he said matter-of-factly.

I looked at him like he was crazy. "This is supposed to be an honor?"

Now it was _his_ turn to look at me like I was crazy. He looked confused, like he was trying to process the fact that there was one person who didn't think being sparkly was an honor. "But don't you _want_ to sparkle beautifully in the sun?"

I almost giggled, but since I'm not a girl, I merely snickered. "Right now, I'm just worried that my girlfriend's going to break up with me because I look like a gayass."

Now Mr. Sparkles looked even more confused than before. "But won't your girlfriend _like_ the sparkles?"

I shook my head vigorously. People thought I was either _emo_ or a _ninja_. Have you ever met a ninja or emo person who sparkled in the sun? If you have, please escort him/her to the nearest mental hospital. It's for their own good. "Do you know any way to get rid of the sparkles?" I asked hopefully. Though I didn't know why I was asking Edward Cullen, or at the very least, an Edward Cullen-wannabe the answer to anything.

He smiled. "Once the sparkles have Chosen you, you can't get rid of them," he said. I groaned. Of course. It was _just_ my luck.

"Why did this have to happen to me?" I yelled at no one in particular.

Edward smiled even wider, apparently enjoying other people's misery. "Soon, you will begin feeling the symptoms of having sparkles."

What. The. Hell? "There are…symptoms?" I asked slowly. What is up with my shitty luck?

"Sure! The sparkly gene in you will start to change your personality to make you a better person! I have been chosen as your instructor to help you acclimate into your new and improved self," Edward said brightly. WTF? My personality is going to change? Curse you, my damn shitty luck!

"I'm not going to start prancing around singing about rainbows and unicorns, right?" I was starting to get scared.

Edward scoffed. "No, of course not! The changes will be subtle. You won't even notice them."

I knew enough not to trust him. I didn't trust many people. Why should I trust a _sparkly fairy_? "And what will the changes be?" I asked skeptically.

Edward ignored my question. "What do you want to do right now?" he asked, looking at me creepily like the creeper he is.

I decided to play long. "I want to kill myself so I don't have to see my beautiful sparkly skin anymore," I said sarcastically.

Edward rolled his eyes. "No, what _else_ do you want to do?" he prompted.

Then suddenly, it hit me. It was an uncontrollable urge, a desire that was as necessary as breathing. I knew I had to stop myself before anything happened, but the desire was so tempting and so hard to ignore. No, I didn't want to drink blood.

"I want to talk to Max," I blurted. Edward smiled creepily (from now on, just assume everything he does is creepy). I realize I _always_ wanted to talk to Max because she was apparently my "soul mate", but I had never needed to talk to her like I did now. What bothered me was that the feeling was totally irrational.

"So go talk to her," Edward told me, gesturing toward my bedroom door.

"No," I replied curtly. I had a deep sense of foreboding. I could tell something bad would happen if I were to talk to Max.

Edward stood next to me, not leaving even when I refused. It was so hard to resist the urge. It took so much more energy than it should to _not_ do something. I crossed my arms over my chest and told myself that I would stay put no matter what. Sweat began to break out on my forehead from the strain of saying no to the urge. The door beckoned to me, willing me to open it so that I could go downstairs to talk to Max.

Before I knew it, I was walking toward my bedroom door with no control over my own body. It was like I was in a trance. One part of me was watching the dominant part of my body move toward the door screaming, "NO!" That was the part that _should've_ been listened to, but wasn't. I felt oddly detached from my actions. I opened the door—no, my _hand_ opened the door, for I had no control over my body. I walked downstairs and into the living room against my will. Max was sitting on a couch, reading a book. I saw that the title was "The Hunger Games".

I sat down next to Max even though the rational part my brain was telling me to stop whatever the hell I was doing. Max was still reading, not noticing me. Apparently, it was a good book.

Finally, Max tore her eyes from the pages of the book and looked at me. "Hi, Fang," she said, not quite smiling, but not frowning either.

My mouth opened and words spewed out of their own accord. "I'll love you for all eternity, my love."

What. The. Fnick? I slapped my hand over my mouth, almost blushing. What had come over me? I sounded like _freaking Edward Cullen._ My love? What the hell was that? Oh…maybe this was what he had meant by "symptoms"… But he hadn't told me that the sparkles would take over my body!

Max's eyes widened and she looked at me like something was wrong with me. Luckily, the curtains that covered the windows didn't let any light in. Or else Max would be even more freaked out.

"What did you just say?" she asked disbelievingly, like she couldn't really believe that those words had come out of my mouth. Well, join the party, Max.

"We'll be together forever," I said against my will. I was like the puppet of some sick, twisted person who liked to watch relationships fall to ruin for fun.

"Fang…are you messing with me?" she asked, confused. She was backing away from me slowly. Backing away from the crazy dude. That seemed like a very smart course of action at the moment. But then I would be backing away from myself…how would that work?

"I've just professed my undying love for you. Please believe me, my love." I had struggled to regain control of my body, but the words had come out anyway. If I had _any_ sort of control over my body, I would have facepalmed. I sounded like a romance novel. Fang the Emotionless Rock does not sound like a _romance novel._

"Okay, who the hell are you and what have you done to Fang?" Max yelled. She jumped up from the couch and ran toward the door, trying to get away from me.

I had an uncontrollable urge to stop her. I ran after her and took her wrist, preventing her from opening the door. "No, Max, I'll protect you from harm! A young lady likes you needs protection!"

That was the worst thing I had said. Max didn't need protection. In fact, she could give protection. And I knew how much Max hated sexist guys. She narrowed her eyes and placed her hands on her hips defiantly.

"What did you just say?" she hissed menacingly.

My mouth decided now would be a good time to shut up. A little bit too late.

"Good." Max broke out of my grip on her wrist and walked out the door and into the bright afternoon sunshine. I followed her instinctively, forgetting about my un-manly sparkliness.

By the time that I realized that stepping out into the sun was a mistake, it was too late.

Suddenly, Max turned around, probably about to tell me to fuck off or something. She even began opening her mouth. But the she saw the sparkles on my skin. And her jaw dropped.

I cursed in my head.

Max looked like she was still deciding whether to run away screaming or laugh her head off. Maybe she could run away laughing her head off, as a compromise. She muttered something incoherent that sounded suspiciously like "Why do _I_ get the gay boyfriend?" then snapped out her wings and took off flying.

Well, on the bright side, Max hadn't killed me. On the downside, my girlfriend now hates me. But hey, you win some, you lose some.

I heard a popping noise next to me. I knew who it was even before I turned to look. Aren't I _smart_?

"What do you want?" I asked Edward warily. I rubbed my forehead with my fingers tiredly. This had been such a long day—and it was only the afternoon.

Edward smiled. "I'm here to tell you about the other symptoms!"

I groaned. "Haven't you already ruined my life enough?"

Edward shook his head. "Another symptom of sparkliness is that you may start to feel a physical attraction towards men."

"I'M GONNA TURN GAY?" I screamed. Holy shit. I liked _Max._ I was going to become a gay sparkly freak like Edward. It's so obvious that he was only dating Bella to get to Jacob.

Edward looked at his feet. "Well, I wouldn't exactly call it homosexuality…" he muttered.

That was when I decided it would be best to get far, _far_ away from Edward. Luckily, my legs obeyed me.

I ran up to my room and slammed the door closed. I wanted to stay away from Max and any guys I might feel a "physical attraction" towards. Crap, what if the sparkles commanded me to fall in love with…Iggy? There are already enough people who like Figgy! I don't get why so many people wanted me to end up with Iggy. He would make such a bad boyfriend. I almost threw myself out the window with my wings tucked in when I thought that.

I managed to stay in my room undisturbed into midnight, when Edward appeared again. "What do you want?" I asked him.

He smiled. "As I've said before, I'm here to show you the ways of the sparkly male!" He snapped his fingers and disappeared again.

But this time, I disappeared with him.

Suddenly, I found myself in Max's room. She was sleeping, one hand holding her blankets around her body. Her hair was lying around her head gracefully (if hair could lie gracefully). She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping—when she didn't have to worry about anything. She looked years younger.

She looked beautiful.

Two hours had passed before I realized I was _watching Max sleep_. A sudden noise shocked me out of my tranquil state. I looked at the clock. It was 2 A.M. I had been staring at Max this _whole_ time. Staring at her was like a drug. I had lost track of time. Watching Max sleep was so…fascinating.

I AM SUCH A CREEPER!

I stifled the profanities that threatened to escape from my lips, not wanting to wake Max up and make her think I'm a stalker. I blamed the sparkliness for making me like this. It had taken over my brain!

I ran out of Max's room and into Iggy's, which was right next door. Iggy was also asleep. I shook him awake and he bolted up, shocked.

"Iggy, you've got to help me," I whispered urgently, on the verge of panic. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't _want _to be a creeper.

Iggy shook his head slowly. "No, Fang. The man universe has decided to shun you because you're a sparkly male."

* * *

Fang woke up suddenly, panting. There was sweat on his forehead. The details of his dream were already fading. What had that dream been about? _Something about vampires_, he thought. But no matter what he did, he couldn't remember exactly what the dream had been about. Fang shrugged and feel back asleep.

**AN: Eh, not my best work, but I don't think it's too bad. *spoiler alert for FANG* I just reread Fang's goodbye letter to Max and have concluded that Fang is an Edward Cullen-wannabe. Goodbye, my love? Is it just me, or did Jimmy P go a little **_**overboard**_** there? I don't know. I guess some people might like that Fang is showing his feelings. But I think it's funny. Fang totally pulled a New Moon at the end of FANG. And it seems like our good friend Jimmy P wants to make a Team Dylan and Team Fang. Am I the only one noticing the Twilight similarities here? And I don't mean that in a good way. So I've gone from crying whenever I read the letter to laughing my ass off whenever I read it. I was on mylifeistwilight . com and I realized something…Twilight fangirls are even worse than FANGirls. I wasn't on there to actually **_**read**_** the posts, I just wanted to see how stupid it was. And it **_**was**_** incredibly stupid. Thanks, UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLAND for telling me about it. Reading all those MLITs made my day. I mean, girls having fangirl moments every time they see a silver Volvo? How absolutely pathetic is that? So **_**maybe**_** I usually have FANGirl moments whenever I see a guy with emo hair…but **_**still**_**. :P Wow, that was a **_**long**_** rant. **

**Review?**


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